tomorrow i start school. such a freakin bitter-sweet thing. i love having things to do. i hate just sitting around. but this isn't the most ideal "thing" i'd love to do with my time. i often question why i'm even in school. i have no idea what i'll do after. i have no idea if i'll even need my associates degree, but better safe than sorry i suppose. i have a bad attitude about it, i know i do. kinda like i did today during church.
it's hard to get myself out of a funk once i'm in one. or at least i can't do it on my own. i can try and just pray about it, but that just makes me focus on it more which causes me basically to be venting at God. the only thing that can get me out of it is to either A. take a nap, or B. have a friend make me laugh. i'm sort of still 5 years old at times. and i really don't want to be like this anymore.
i've been really struggling trusting God lately, and i don't have any idea why. you'd think after all i've been through i'd be able to just let go of stuff and know that in the end, God will take care of me. but i just can't. i've made amazing friends over the past couple weeks, and i'm really struggling not putting a wall up between them and me. they're amazing people, i have no reason to not trust them, so now it's just a fear issue. i'm scared i'll lose them... that something ridiculous will happen and i'll lose their friendship. because that is how it has always been my entire life with my friends. just when i get really close to them, something happens, and i lose them. i can't bear to lose any more friends right now. and the whole thought of this threw me into a massive funk the other day. the more i thought about it, the more scared and sad i got, and then it just flat out sucked.
i really feel like i need a solid woman in my life to sort of be a "mentor" type person to me. someone i can invest my heart in... that can know me inside and out and be horribly honest with me and keep me accountable. that'd be freakin sweet.
ok... sleep. school in the morning...
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