growing up...

growing up is really hard, but finally having conversations with your parents as "adults" is one of the most fulfilling feelings, ever.

since i moved home, my mom and i have been staying up late talking. we used to do this a lot growing up when i lived at home. i remember a lot of those conversations would end badly, both of us trying to get our points across... yet holding things back out of fear. but for once i'm finally feeling utterly free to speak my heart and mind to her. and not in a disrespectful way, but in an honest, gentle, and fearless way. i'm proud of who God has made me, sure of His Holy Spirit in me, and i'm excited to share with my mom the things God has taught me.

i can't help but feel like God has destined me for something unique... to not live ordinary.

these past... roughly 9 months... have been some of the hardest times in my life. i feel like i relived my CIU experience in a way; finally free to make my own decisions, yet free to suffer the consequences. i may not be able to really talk about everything i did with my mom, but i don't feel that it's necessary... what is necessary is to show her that i've grown. that i admit i made some really idiotic decisions, but i learned from them. i told her the other day i feel as if God taught me all these things, and now He's throwing me into a test to see what i've really learned and what i'll really hold onto. even my parents are doing this to me. i've had to make some seriously big decisions over the past week and half, and every time i go to my parents to seek their wisdom, they simply tell me, it's my decision to make... i'm old enough now. they'll share with me their insight if i ask it, but it's up to me now. finally... i'm feeling as if i'm finally living my life. and it's extremely exciting, yet horribly terrifying.

one big thing that keeps coming up right now is the issue of my tattoo. my mom and i had a long but good conversation about it a couple nights ago. i had to boldly but kindly stick up to her and ask her to not make nasty remarks about it when i mention it. and funny enough, when i did, she had no idea she was doing that... she apologized... and it opened the door to an amazing conversation. we both came to the conclusion that she has this gut feeling that i shouldn't get it, but i have this gut feeling that i should. and when my mom and i speak of gut feelings, we mean we believe God is telling us to do/not do something. also, my mom and i have always had this weird connection where we just KNOW something is wrong with the other person... without them having to tell us. it's happened many many times... so when she get's gut feelings, i don't shrug them off.

i remember being 6 or 7 years old telling my mom i loved God more than her and dad...

my mom and God are throwing me into two separate tests...

with all that said, who do i listen to?

the God I've loved since before i can remember, or my own mother who has a gut feeling...