revelation

out of no where, though probably through much conversation and realization, I've changed. yet again I'm not who i was. and at the perfect timing too... it's the new year.

lately I've been wondering to myself why I've always felt this "need" for a boyfriend. i never quite figured it out until tonight. my mom. my mom has caused this. well... maybe not. BUT i have a strange hunch that she (unknowingly) has caused this desire. ever since i can remember, any time i liked a guy (even when i was like 10!) she would some what push the whole thing. not always, but 99.9% of the time she was sticking her nose in my business hurrying it along. i can remember being like 9 or 10 years old and my mom trying to get me to kick the soccer ball with the cute boy who was my age at the soccer field. i feel like with most if not all of my "relationships" my mom has tried to make more of it than it was. for example, me sending my crush a care package when he wasn't even talking to me anymore in attempts to make him crush back. maybe this is why I've always done the pursuing! maybe this is why I've always felt like if i wanted a guys attention, i had to go and get it. i had to go out of my way and be someone I'm not to get them. i think i finally realized this tonight when i mentioned to my mom that i knew a guy on TV. before i could get up out of my seat, she was searching the Internet for this guy! he's like 31 and not mine or my sisters type! in fact, we've both met him and do NOT like him. but she was bound and DETERMINED to see who this guy was. i literally was getting angry, but couldn't figure out why. but now i know. now i have the answer to so many questions going through my head. I'm not mad at my mom, she was only trying to help and be a part of my life. but now, I'm just confused and frustrated and don't know how to just be friends with a guy. any time I'd ever mention that i met a "nice" guy at school/work/church my mom had to immediately try and find this person through the Internet. then if he seemed decent, she'd hint and push and poke at the subject until it either worked or came crashing down. and well dang it, I'm tired of it! i just would like to be friends with guys and not be so obsessed!

anyways. my new years was amazing. probably one of the best ones I've had yet... despite the drama that TRIED to wriggle into my life. and that's probably why it was so great... i didn't let other peoples drama and silly immature behavior stress me out! i let it go and just relaxed and had an amaaaazing time. i danced my way into the new year. and for once, I'm feeling this confidence in myself that i haven't felt in a long time.

so this is the new year, and i feel so very different.