today is one of those days where my old nature is coming back to torture me. i'm struck with the want to pursue a guy i hardly know, even though i know that it would be foolish and immature. i honestly do just want to be his friend and get to know him. if you know me, you know i've been hurt by a lot of guys. i some how have always managed to pick the psychos. so now i'm left feeling some-what bitter towards the whole idea of a relationship. i often go into relationships just waiting for it to end. it's a bad way to do things, but i guess it's my way of protecting myself. i really want a guy who will honestly treasure me and pursue me and lead me and treat me the way i'm supposed to be treated. but amidst all these feelings, i know i'm ok single. and i quite like it for the most part. i'm just 19. if i date someone right now, it's probably going to be a long term deal. i dunno... i think i partly have this feeling that once you get married, you stop having fun. which i hope and pray is merely just a myth that's been put in my head because of culture. i don't know if i'll ever really grow up... i see myself being one of those women who has just has a young heart... if that makes any sense. i just feel like i hardly see couples just having fun together. i want to laugh, i want to play, i want to feel like he's my best friend. i want to be the person i am around my sister... i know when i'm with her, i'm being my honest and truthful self. i never feel like i have to be somebody i'm not with her.
anyhow, those are my thoughts today. maybe i'm bored. maybe i'm ready for change.
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